Pun and Jokes Thread

XD

Old people always poke me at weddings and say your next
So I started doing the same thing to them ,at funerals.  

((He he))

A hydrogen atom walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "What's wrong?"

The hydrogen atom replies, "I lost my electron!"

The bartender says, "Are you sure?"

The hydrogen atom exclaims, "Yes, I'm positive."

What did the birdy say when it flew over wal-mart?

cheap cheap cheap!



What goes "ha ha ha ha, *thump*"?

someone laughing their head off.

Why don't blind men skydive?
Because it scares the s*** out of the dog.


I bet you I can stop gambling.

Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.

Q: How do you make a baby float on water?

A: Try taking your foot off his head.

What do you call a dog with no legs:

Doesn't matter it still isn't going to come!!!

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where in the world did you get that banana at?'

A Minister, a Priest, and a Rabbi are talking shop one day, and the discussion turns to how they divide up the donated money that their congregations give at their respective services to the collection plate. Specifically, how much goes to maintaining the infrastructure, and how much does the Minister/Priest/Rabbi keep to live on.

The Minister explains that that she draws a circle on the ground, and tosses the money up in the air. Whatever falls inside the circle is for her to support herself and family on, and whatever falls outside is God's, that is - for the Church and its various programs. The Priest nods knowingly, and says that he has a very similar system - except that in his case whatever money falls inside the circle is God's, and whatever falls outside is his living allowance.

The Rabbi nods, and says that his system is also similar, except it doesn't involve a drawing circle. The Priest and Minister look at him quizzically, and ask him to go on....

The Rabbi continues "I throw all the money up in the air - - Whatever God wants, he keeps...."

((Lolololol!!))

Dclark wrote:Why don't blind men skydive?
Because it scares the s*** out of the dog.

---

I see what you did there!

((Lololol alex xD))

heheh

Is it true that a lion won't attack if you hold a tree branch?
(That depends on how fast you carry it!)

What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster?
(Cockerpoodledoo!)

Lol nice... Oh and hi again lol

What do you get when you cross a Rottweiler and a collie?
(A dog who bites you, and then goes for help!)

Grrrr... Stereotypes....

What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
(Mouse code!)

What did the 500 pound canary say?
(Here Kitty, Kitty!)

Owl jokes   

Someone said you sounded like an owl.
(Who?)

What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
(A growl)

What is a baby owl after she's 6 days old?
(Seven days old)

What is an owl's favorite subject?
(Owl-gebra!)

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
Are you an owl?

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
(A bird that talks your ear off!)

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
(It was the chicken's day off!)

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
(It was stuck to the chicken's foot!)

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
(To prove he wasn't chicken!)

Why did the penguin cross the road?
(To go with the floe!)

Who's the penguin's favorite Aunt?
(Aunt-Arctica!)

What do you get when you cross a penguin and an alligator?
(I don't know, but don't try to fix its bow tie!)