Pun and Jokes Thread

What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
(Really lost, because penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere!)

Why did the pig become an actor?
(Because he was a ham.)

What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit?
(Unique up on it!)

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
(Tame way, unique up on it!)

What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
(A receding hareline!)

What is even smarter than a talking bird?
(A spelling bee!)


Daughter: Mom, can I have a canary for Christmas?
Mum: NO! You'll have turkey like everyone else.

Where do you find a turkey with no legs?
(Exactly where you left it!)

Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
(To hatchet!)

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
(So they can fight knights!)

What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey!
(Hump-free)

What do you call a crying Camel?
(A humpback wail!)

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Cowsgo.
Cowsgo who?
No they don't, cowsgo moo.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to keep telling silly jokes.

TEACHER: "What's 2n plus 2n?"
STUDENT: "I don't know, it's 4n to me!"

What's yellow, weighs 1,000 pounds, and sings?
(Two 500 pound canaries!)

Why do hummingbirds hum?
(Because they forgot the words!)

Q. Why did they monkey fall out of the tree?
A. He was dead.
Q. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
A. He was tied to the monkey.

A man is walking through the forest and runs into a bear, who begins chasing him. Running for his life, the man shouts, "Oh God! Please help me!"
God responds, "Why should I help you? You've never called on me before, but now that you're in trouble, you expect me to be there for you?"
The man replies, "Well, at least make the bear into a good Christian then!"
Suddenly the bear stops, puts his paws together, and says "Dear Lord, thank you for this meal you've set before me...."

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders dinner. When the waiter brings the check, the panda suddenly stands up, shoots the waiter, and goes running out the door.
A witness can't help shouting, "How could you do such a thing?!?"
The fleeing animal responds, "I'm a panda. Look it up."
Not knowing what else to do, the witness finds a dictionary and reads:
Panda -- an asian mammal that eats shoots and leaves.

Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear! The bear rears up on his hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar. They're both frozen in their tracks.
The first camper whispers, "I'm sure glad I wore my running shoes today."
"It doesn't matter what kind of shoes you're wearing, you're not gonna outrun that bear," replies the second.
"I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU," he answers.

As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives,
Each wife had seven sacks,
Each sack had seven cats,
Each cat had seven kits:
Kits, cats, sacks, and wives,
How many were there going to St. Ives?

A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said,
“Mommy, I have to pee.”

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not
appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have
to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”

The following Sunday,
the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his
father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“

The father looked at him and said,
“Okay, just whisper in my ear.”

Jokthem herijerib wrote:As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives,
Each wife had seven sacks,
Each sack had seven cats,
Each cat had seven kits:
Kits, cats, sacks, and wives,
How many were there going to St. Ives?

One??

Yup.. 1 but the one met 29

A biker walks on to a bar
The bartender asks what he would like to drink
He replies: I'll get it myself
He takes a beer from a sad looking gentlemen sitting by himself
After the biker drinks the beer the sad man begins to cry
The biker hates seeing a grown man cry so he asks, what's wrong
And so the sad man begins his tale today has been the worst day of my entire life. I slept in and missed an important meeting so my boss fired me, someone stole my car from the parking lot, I lost my wallet in the taxi on the way home, my dog bit me when I got home, and I found my wife in bed with the mail man, so I came here to work up the courage to just end it......
And you had to drink the poison.!!!!!   

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOSH! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
need more butter. Oh my GOSH! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful.

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him.

"What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Pffffft! *snort*

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces “we’re just waiting for the pilots.”. The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it’s takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says “you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”

A pastor was was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out.

She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."

"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

"No, really", said the old lady,

"I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."

As it was coming up to Christmas a young boy is praying upstairs while his mother sits by him and his dad and grandma are downstairs.

He prays "Lord I pray for a train set, a remote control car, and A NEW BICYCLE!!!

"You don't have to shout dear", says the mother "God's not deaf."

"I know" said the little boy, "but grandma is."

Have you heard about the new shampoo for men who are going bald..

It's called "What's the Point?"

Did you hear NASA wanted to study the effects of the moon on an aging individual, so they decided to resend Armstrong.

Unfortunately, they canceled this because they were afraid the first words from the moon in 30 years would be:

"Houston? I have fallen, and I can't get up."

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?