Pun and Jokes Thread

Oh don't TAKE IT personally! =DDDDDDD

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.




'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'

That's ruff....

I'm not a competitive person... I'll be the first to admit it.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.....

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

"It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake." Chris Addison

!!!!! Lol!!!

What does a zombie say when it's eating cereal?

Graaaaaiiins.........

Maha!

Me gusta

There was a magician who worked aboard a large cruise ship. Since cruise ship was constantly moving and the audience was different each week, he quickly got into a routine where he performed all the same tricks over and over again.

However, there was one problem. The captain owned a parrot that saw the shows each week and soon began to understand the intricacies of how the magician performed each trick. Once it understood, it started shouting out the secrets during the middle of the show. Things like “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table,” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

The magician naturally found this very frustrating but he wasn’t able to do anything about it. He’d already complained to the captain, who refused to keep his parrot away from the shows.

Then, one day, there was a terrible storm and the cruise ship sank. Suddenly, the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the very same parrot.

Day after day, they stared at each other with hatred, but neither would utter a single word. This went on for three days until, finally, on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back.

“OK, I give up. Where’s the ship?”

Nice!

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation:
1 Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.
2 When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
3 Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."
4 When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.
5 When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.
6 Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
7 Punch him in the face again, harder this time.
8 Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

I love it!

Mom: What did you do at school today?
Mark: We did a guessing game.
Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam.
Mark: That’s right!

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. “Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer. “Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

Hey did you hear the joke about the butter?
No
Well I butter not tell you
You might spread it

((Just shoot me ))

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home.
boy throws his bag out the window
Teacher : who just threw that?!
Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

((Lol nice!))

I looked in the mirror today.

and yet you still look awesome.
~me replying to previous comment

XD or just like a joke.

((This is the joke section? Oh... Oops thought I was in quotes))