Pun and Jokes Thread

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant,

nor ham in hamburger;

neither apple or pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that...

quicksand can work slowly,

boxing rings are square,

and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

§China'sAllieCat§ wrote:((Ok I didn't get the tv host one... I just think the contestant is stupid..))

It's because the answers are super easy and he still gets it wrong even if the answer is in the question.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

What building has the most stories.????


Answer: is a library

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.
One boy says: “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.
The same boys says: “Two elephants.”

The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behaviuor. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.
The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”

A teacher asked a student, “Do you know the alphabet?”

The kid said no so the teacher said, “Well, tomorrow you gonna have to say the alphabet to me.”

The kid went home and asked his mom, “Mom, what’s the 1st letter of the alphabet?” His mom responded, “Sshhh I’m on the phone.”
The kid asked his dad, “Dad, what is the 2nd letter of the alphabet?” His dad said, “Yes!”
He then asked his sister, “What’s the 3rd letter of the alphabet?” She said, “Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson.”
He then asked his little brother, “Bro, what’s the 4th letter of the alphabet?” The little brother said, “Driving in my bruum bruum car. Driving in my broom broom car.”

The next day, the kid met the teacher, she asked, “What’s the 1st letter of the alphabet?”
The kid answered, “Sshhh, I’m on the phone.”
The teacher got angry and said, “Do you want to go to the principal office?
The kid responded, “Yes!”
The teacher said, “Who do you think you are?”
The kid said, “Michael Jackson.”
The teacher said, “How do you think you are going to get away with this…”
The kid said, “Driving in my bruum bruum car driving in my broom broom car.”

So there are three boys called: Shut Up, Manners, and Poo. Poo goes to the well to collect some water but he felt in the well.

Manners goes to the well to try to help Poo out, while Shut Up goes to the police station to get help.

Police: “What is your name?”
Shut Up: “Shut up.”
Police: “Where is your manner?”
Shut Up: “Down the well picking up Poo.”

There were 4 people in a private plane: a captain, a priest, a boy scout, and a smartest man in the world. Suddenly they heard an explosion, the pilot realized that the engine had exploded so he announced, “Dear passengers, I am afraid that there is a technical problem in the engine. The plane is gonna crash. Grab a parachute and jump!”

The pilot then grabbed a parachute and jumped off. The smartest man in the world said, “I need that parachute, the world needs my knowledge” and so he jumped off.

The priest said, “Boy you take that last parachute, the world doesn’t need me, I am just an old priest.”

The boy scout said, “No, what are you talking about? There are 2 parachutes left.”

“What?” – the priest.

“The smartest man in the world took my backpack.” – responded the boy scout.  

Master: “Why didn’t you water the plants yesterday?”
Servant: “It was raining.”
Master: “Don’t make excuses! You could have used an umbrella!!”

Teacher: Who is the father of the nation?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: What does hen lay?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: What is the average speed of cars?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: Ask your parents for help and tell me tomorrow.
Next day, the student met the teacher and answered: Mahatma Gandhi lays eggs at the average speed of 45km/hour.

Four Catholic Men And A Catholic Woman

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the Catholic men tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”

She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 24″ waist and 34″ hips. When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh – My – God.”

There are two men. They both walk into a bar. One man asks for H20. The second man asks if he can have some H20 too.
The second man died.

[H2O too = H2O2 ; Hydrogen peroxide, poisonous]

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV then her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, “I’m two hours late… and you’re still not ready!?”

One day, Max and Bob were watching a soap opera on television. On the show, there was a girl standing on a bridge. Max turned to Bob and said, “I bet you $5 that she’s going to jump off that bridge.”

Bob agreed to the bet. The girl in the show jumped off the bridge, and Bob handed Max the $5. Then Max felt guilty and said, “This is a re-run I already saw, I knew she was going to jump.” To which Bob replied, “I saw it before too, but I didn’t think the girl would be stupid enough to do it again!”

Q. What is the diffrence between a dog and a woman?
A. If you put a dog and a woman in a car’s trunk for 3 hours and you open the trunk, the dog will still be happy to see you.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha get it.!!!!!    



FYI I didn't try this just so we're all clear on that.

Two little boys stole a big bag of orange from their neighbour & decided to go to a calm place to share the loot equally, one of them suggested the near by cemetery.

As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, 2 oranges fell out of the bag behind the gate but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minuets later a drunkard on his way from a bar passes near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: “One for me, one for u. One for me, one for u.” he immediately sobers up and runs as fast as he can to the church near by for a priest.

“Father please come with me, come and witness God & Satan sharing corpse at the cemetery.” They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: “One for me, one for u, one for me, one for u…”

Suddenly the voice stopped counting and says: “What about the two at the gate?”

the priest almost ran past the gate, shouting we are not dead yet…!

What did the old chimney say to the young chimney?

You are too young to smoke.

I got a riddle for someone ........
If you we're put in a Steele box with no doors and no windows no hole in the wall what so ever and no one around for miles and all you have in the box with you is a mirror and a desk how do you get out.??

What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. All the rest are weak days!

What can you find in the middle of nowhere?
The letter H.

What is at the end of everything?
The letter G.

What is the center of gravity?
The letter V.

What happened when a fosset, egg, and a lettuce ran a race?
Well, the egg got beat, the lettuce was a head, and the fosset was still running!

In what school do you learn how to greet people?
In hi school!

What time is it when the clock strikes 13?
Time to get a new clock!

What is the best material for kites?
Fly paper.

What is the best thing to use if you itch?
Scratch paper.

What kind of robbery is least dangerous?
A safe robbery.

What Christmas song is this: ABCDEFGHIJK MNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
No L! (noel)

What's the best month for a parade?
March!

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Missletoe

If there's H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
K9P

Is being a telephone operator a business or a profession?
It is more like a calling.

Do teenagers age fast?
No, but sometimes their parents do!

Which dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog, buildings can't jump!

Which one is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.