Pun and Jokes Thread

A sign at a towing company that reads.....
"We don't charge arms and legs we just want tows"  

Sign on a fence reads......
"Salesmen welcomed! Dog food is expensive."

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.

Customer: 'OK'.

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?

'Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.

Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing?'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

Caller: 'No.

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark?'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not?'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!

True.......
A pair of robbers entered a music shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

During a visit to the psychiatric ward, the medical student asked the Doctor..

"How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the eager student. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" said the Doctor, "A normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?"

((Brilliant!! I love it!))

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and tests were done there were 3 finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, an FBI agent took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"... said the agent.

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.Shots were heard, one after another. Then there was screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"What on earth happened in there?" asked the FBI agent.

"This stupid gun is loaded with blanks" she said, "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

'Where is God?'

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,

'Where is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,

'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time...

GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'

Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when you shove them down the stairs.   

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Young Johnny moved to the country and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said,

'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Johnny replied, 'Well, then, just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Johnny said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Johnny said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Johnny said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Johnny and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Johnny said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Johnny said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

(John grew up and now works for the government.)

What did the father buffalo say to the son buffalo when he left for school?
............Bison!

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Lawyer: Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you. You owe me $500 now and $347.26 a month for the next 36 months.

Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds like car payments!"

Lawyer: "You're right -- mine."

There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus to work one day. He parked it right down in front of the firm where he worked to show it off to all his lawyer buddies.

As he got out, this truck side-swiped the door and ripped it right off.

The driver stopped and ran to the lawyer saying "Are you alright, are you alright?"

The lawyer, now furious, started to scream and berate the driver. "What the heck do you think you are doing? This is my brand new Lexus...Ya know I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you for all you are worth!"

Then a policeman ran up to the scene and said to the lawyer, "Calm down! You lawyers are so materialistic it's disgusting! Don't you know, when that truck ripped your door off, it took your arm with it?"

The lawyer looked down and saw his left arm missing and said "Oh No!, . . . my ROLEX!"

The statistics on sanity reveal that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

A social worker from Ohio who was recently transferred to the mountains of North Georgia, was on the first tour of his new territory when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?' he asked. 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?

''Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door.

'This is the outhouse!'

A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"

"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.

"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

Customer : “How much is that banana?”

Salesperson : “$1.00″

Customer : “Can you sell it to me for 60 cents?”

Salesperson : “At that rate, you’ll only get the banana peel!”

Customer : “Okay… I’ll buy the banana for 40 cents, but you can keep the peel!”

A lady is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to stop eating regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the lady returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The lady nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.

“No, from skipping,” replied the lady.

TV HOST: For 10 Pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope
CONTESTANT: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

TV HOST: What was Gandhi's first name?
CONTESTANT: Goosey?

TV HOST: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The..?
CONTESTANT: Mohicans

TV HOST: What's 11 squared?
CONTESTANT: I don't know.
TV HOST: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
CONTESTANT: Is it five?

TV HOST: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
CONTESTANT: Barcelona .
TV HOST: I was really after the name of a country.
CONTESTANT: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

TV HOST: What is the world's largest continent?
CONTESTANT: The Pacific

TV HOST: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
CONTESTANT: (after long pause) Fourteen days?

TV HOST: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

CONTESTANT: Nostalgia

TV HOST: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
CONTESTANT: Ah, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER .ER... Three?

((Ok I didn't get the tv host one... I just think the contestant is stupid..))